Only In My Head
by Age
Summary: A version of what would have happened had Michael never opened the pod chamber minutes before the ship took off. Short Story. Complete.


Only In My Head - A Roswell fanfic

_Title:_ Only In My Head  
_Rating:_ PG-13

_Summary: _A version of what would have happened had Michael never opened the pod chamber minutes before the ship took off. 

_Spoilers:_ Takes place after Departure, so if you haven't seen that yet, I suggest not reading.  
_Email: _AgeRose@aol.com  
_Feedback: _Always! Tell me what ya think. Thanks. =)
_Disclaimer:_ Just writing for fun, and that's it. I don't own the characters, the show, etc....  
  
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It's locked away in my dreams. That's where Michael's planet is to me. Liz and I, we can't reach it in a spaceship or any other materialized means of transportation. No one can. It's not for people who think like that.   
  
Michael and the others left Roswell four months ago today. They trudged onto that spaceship and they left, and I gasped to breathe. Maybe if we hadn't have found out the truth about Tess - about how she had killed our best friend - maybe it wouldn't have been so hard. But Kyle _did _remember, and Liz and I _did _find out Alex died at the hands of an alien none of us ever should have trusted. We were too late, though, again.  
  
I remember standing on the other side of the rock, pounding and screaming until my hands bled and my voice cracked. We were too late, and our Czechoslovakians were on their way to another world with the enemy. The rock began to chip away and fall. Kyle had to pull us down away from the exploding mountain. If he hadn't, Liz and I would have kept clawing away in our futile attempt to change the futures of not only our own lives but also the lives of the cherished aliens on the other side of the rock.   
  
The final explosion was deafening, and its surprise brought me to my knees. Liz reached for my hand as she too fell. And that was it. The ship slid into the sky and disappeared; it was lightning in midday.   
  
Michael told me that he had no choice but to leave. He and Isabelle and Max all thought there was no other way. Liz, Kyle, and I had found out otherwise, however. We failed. Tess had supposedly won. Knowing that Michael and the others faced immediate danger made their leaving all the more hard to bear. I honestly believe losing them would have been easier without the newfound knowledge of Tess we had come to possess, but the return of Kyle's memory made all the difference. So instead of beginning to cope, Liz and I held on to each other for life. She came home with me that night, and we cried over the fear choking in our throats. I thought about trying to be strong, but it was just a thought. The man I loved, the man my best friend loved, and his sister - all three friends closer than family - were all in danger, and we were an entire world away from them. Nothing could stop that bitter ache entrenching itself into the pit of our stomachs. That night there was no light in the house, no light inside the warmth of my chest where my heart pretended to beat, no light in the world.   
  
Kyle went home and told his dad what he remembered. I'm sure it hurt the Sheriff to find out how conniving Tess turned out to be. Valenti told her she was part of his family before she left. Life was like walking through this constant dismal gray blur after that fateful day. The Sheriff seemed to be all right; my mom comforted any hurt he harbored, even though she knew nothing of aliens and other worlds. Kyle sought solace through the beliefs he had built up through his pristine Buddhism. Liz and I stumbled through the pain of each day together, still working at the Crashdown, still going to school.   
  
I loathed the routine of one day folding into another. I felt like I didn't belong in Roswell anymore. It felt like I didn't even belong in the world. I wondered how Liz and I had come to this - to the point of being destined to live on earth without a single sensation of belonging. Worse than that, it was the thought that we were destined to be alone.   
  
Something came about two weeks later, though. Something, something as great and powerful as developing feelings for aliens, fell into my life just as all of the adventures over the previous two years had fallen.   
  
I saw Antar. It's the most blissful place to ever be. Michael showed it to me. At first, I thought it was just another hopeless dream. It felt real, but it didn't make sense. After some heavy thought, I came to the realization that most of my life didn't make sense, especially the last two years of it. I found my way back to Antar in my dreams as soon as I accepted the fact that it didn't have to make sense. I didn't need an explanation; it would only ensure me a step in the wrong direction if I pursued one. I'd push away from Michael. It took me two weeks of wallowing to find that hidden door inside me. Michael had been trying to reach me. Their powers had reached their greatest potential for the first time in their lives once they arrived on the planet. They could communicate with us, and frankly, I found it a lot better way than that whole freaky abducted and possessed puppet method.   
  
The first time I saw Michael after he left, he was kneeling down in the sands of my mind. Millions of trees sat behind him, providing the most refreshing shade. Crystal-clear water foamed up on top of the warm sand as far as I could see. The sky sparkled down in shades of green and turquoise. I'm not naïve. I know damn well Antar doesn't really look like that. His people are in the midst of a devastating war. Isabelle had come to me one night before Michael appeared to me. She was scared. She kept apologizing for all of her crying, but she had no one to cry with. The fear had overwhelmed her. The deaths. The corruption. The battles waged. The endless hunt for her and Max and Michael. Antar looked nowhere near the beautiful scene Michael painted around us when I saw him in the middle of the night. It was his way of protecting me, like always.   
  
So we met on a picturesque beach every night. He was kneeling down that first night, though. I remember that more than anything else. I walked up to him with bare feet and a long, lavender flowing gown. I don't own a gown like that; Michael must have picked it out. He must have liked it on me. He was kneeling down when I approached him, his head in his hands. He was crying. He told me how sorry he was for leaving when he knew he didn't want to go. He actually tried to back out once he got into the pod chamber, but Tess had convinced Max that they would be strong only if all four returned together. Michael refused to let his decision endanger them, and so he stepped into the Granolith.   
  
He said he had dreamed of a true home every night of his life when he was younger. He told me that they had to run and hide on Antar just as they had done in Roswell. Only there, everyone knew who they were - knew Kivar wanted them dead. It wasn't a home at all. Desolation dominated the lands. I thought it was all a dream until Michael told me how I was seeing him. I only wished I could feel him. I did the next best thing when I explained what happened to Alex. The greatest weight lifted off my shoulders. I did get the chance to tell him, and it wasn't too late. I was surprised when Michael told me that they had already found out, though. And he seemed equally surprised to find out that I knew about it. To know that his present misery could have been avoided if he had only known we were on the other side of the rock made him visibly tremble. Tess had tried to hand the three of them to Kivar, but before they even reached him, Michael, Max, and Isabelle escaped her, and that was the last they'd seen of Tess. They assumed she had been killed when she appeared before Kivar empty-handed.   
  
He's been better now. We've met each other in the dreams for almost four months. Max visits Liz too. They're still in hiding, but Max thinks he's found a way back home. All Michael talks about as home is Roswell, and the relief I feel when he calls this place home is overwhelming at times. He's changed his mind. He wants to be here with me. He's not looking for something better to come along.   
  
We've had many dates along the warm sandy beaches. I've learned to adore the night. In the daylight, I'm without the love of my life. I believe in my heart that the aliens' return is nearing. We won't be alone much longer. I daydream about the time Michael will walk through the door of the Crashdown and I'll finally be able to touch him. And I'll be more than a waitress with silver antennae on her head. I'll be more than that, because I'm more than the world knows. I'll be magic in reality. I'll be a young woman loved by a young man who's been to another world. But most importantly, I'll be reunited with Michael Geurin, the one who holds my heart, an alien who's every bit of a man I've ever needed or even wanted.  
  
Until that day, I must be content with the little planet Michael's created for me in the midst of our slumber. I like this planet. Without these dreams, I would have never found something to push forward for. The dreams were all I had, and until the spaceship comes home with our beloved Czechoslovakians, they're doing a damn good job at keeping my heart brimming over with hope. And the best part is that no one can steal this away. Like I said, for now, Michael and his planet are locked away in my dreams.   
  
_The End._


End file.
